what is my worth?

Every fortnight or so I find myself questioning the very idea of me. Quite swiftly, I meander over to the place where thudding on my chest are veritable clouds of unsatisfaction. There the cerebration ends only with thoughts like "What if all the good in my life is a product of luck and hunches?", "Is there anything at all that I'm good at?" and "Why am I always behind everyone?" Until a few good moments later my mother jolts me hard, asking, "But behind at what?"

In a world where everyone is seemingly so ambitious, opinionated, specialised-to-perfection yet so multi-talented, and extraordinarily exceptional, do I want my dreams to be fueled by envy? I know I don't want to be the same as everyone and I also don't care enough to be strikingly unique; I just want to be me. Before being me I need to know myself, and although the process is simultaneous, I wish not be dictated, or even told. 

I've often wondered who would remain if I were to strip myself off of every entity that has had a hand in shaping me up: family, the schooling, the advertisements, the government, culture. Would I even remain myself? It's not plausible, because (oh and oh) human beings are social animals, but no matter the truth, I'm just not ready to accept that a larger percentage of my being- my thoughts, actions, feelings and perceptions- are more due to others than myself. Because it makes me feel like an outsider to myself. At an incomprehensible distance from myself. 

Sometimes, I ask myself if being special feels like an obligation, and more often than not the answer is an unabated storm of 'yeses'. I wonder if then it's really as imperative as it's made out to be. If I really want to be out-of-the ordinary, well-known and celebrated, winning accolades and acknowledgement to reaffirm my worth, so on and so forth. 

I reckon I'm too young to ponder over "settling for the typical", and that this is THE age to be passionate and have madness drive you crazy rich and famous, yet every now and then I deliberately pause and reflect on whether what I am doing is what I want to, and therefore should be doing. 

The most puzzling task though, is finding the almost non-existent line between desiring solace in life and escaping fears and responsibilities. 

_________________________

We all place ourselves on a morally high pedestal time and time again and take pride in critiquing the metaphorical "rat race", but foolishly are all enthusiastic participants of the same. We think too much but not the right things, and definitely not the right way! We judge the earnest, and equally harshly those who we consider incompetent; cannot be or let be. 

Well, I feel that it's only fair to take charge of not more than just your share, your life, and only fair to reject external tutelage to maneuver the ship that you must steer all by yourself. This isn't to further our generation's reckless and irresponsible attitudes, rather, just the opposite- to know what you truly are and not what you think you want to be, marvelling at all that deceptive glare surrounding you.

And the question about one's worth? I haven't the answer, only the knowledge that there isn't a mechanism yet so apt for deciding it. 

-Rishika Chutani